My husband got me a book light for Christmas because after nearly 6 years of marriage he has learned to take hints very well or, perhaps, I have learned to say things clearly and write them down in at least 2 conspicuous locations. Most likely both but any way it happened… the light is here and I am rather pleased with it. First because it will, hopefully, help one of my children stay in bed longer and reduce my early morning parties. Second because there is something really romantic about those precious moments of devotion where scripture is really the only thing I can see.
“The light shines in the darkness, yet the darkness did not overcome it”John 1:5
I have always loved that verse. Truly, I love the entire first chapter of John or “The Gospel according to Dr. Suess” as I have heard it called. The talking in circles and repetition of the same theme over and over again.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning and all things were created through Him and apart from Him was not one thing created that has been created”John 1:1-3
He was there. Christ was there. He was with God. He was God. He is God. He is a part of all things created. No created thing comes apart from Him. He is driving the point home so we know just who this Jesus guy is.
“Life was in Him and that life was the light of men. The light Shines in the Darkness yet the darkness did not overcome it.”John 1:4-5
He is the light and His light is still flickering and growing amongst all the darkness in the world.
Tonight I am reflecting on my growth this past decade as it is coming to an end. 10 years. December of 2009 I was reeling from the loss of a loved one and had jumped heart first into an extremely unhealthy relationship. I say heart first because my head was barely in the game at that point in time and I followed my heart which is a much more deceitful creature. Scripture will back me up here.
I was broken. I believed so many lies about where my worth came from, what I had to offer, who was capable of loving me someday and where my path was going. There was a lot of hurt and manipulation in that relationship and a lot of friends who pulled back from me because I was “too much” all of a sudden. This just reinforced the lie to me. The lie that I wasn’t someone who was worth putting back together.
The past 10 years have been crazy. They have been filled with my lowest periods of emotional and spiritual despair and with the heights of spiritual growth and emotional healing. I have allowed God into painful wounds and felt His words shining in the dark corners of my mind and teaching me the truth about who I am. I have felt His heart for me in the love of a kind and gentle husband who has been so patient with me as I learn to be more vulnerable with him and has dealt graciously with emotional meltdowns ten years in the making. I have seen the beauty of God’s creation in two little lives that call me Mama and felt the sting of death in one gone home before he had the chance. I have gotten to experience the joy of becoming friends with my own parents and a deepend relationship with my siblings.
I have become both more aware of the darkness and more aware of the light shining through it. I am learning daily how to walk in that light and gain freedom from my hurts and celebrate friends who are walking away from lies.
I am yearning to grow with the light, to be the hands and feet of Jesus and illuminate the way for broken people. Helping with the needs I can and praying over all the things I can’t.
Some days I am fanning that flame and watching it grow. I am partnered and focused and well aligned. Others I am falling apart and feel like my flame is being snuffed out and the darkness wins. But it doesn’t. It isn’t my light that matters. God’s light matters and the darkness will not overcome it.
I have been reflecting so much lately on the balance of giving myself grace without being complacent. I am all over the map on any given day but have picked a verse for the year and hope with it will come some illumination.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing and in everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
My challenge for the New Year is to really pray and wait expectantly for the answers, to give thanks for what I have. True, heartfelt genuine gratitude for what I have and the real, dangerous, life changing prayers.
Friends, may your 2020 Vision be focused and thriving and may you feel confident in where God has you and clear in where he is taking you. May you see His light.